This was me.

About a month ago, I was watching an episode of Grey’s Anatomy (season 6). One of their closest friends died. I wasn’t sure that I could get through it.  I am glad that I did, because the dialogue hit me so hard.

Meredith (narrating): The dictionary defines grief as keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. As surgeons, as scientists, we’re taught to learn from and rely on books, on definitions, on definitives. But in life, strict definitions rarely apply. In life, grief can look like a lot of things that bear little resemblance to sharp sorrow.

Lexie: “Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.”

Mark: “It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change.”

Alex: “And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.”

Izzie: “That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive.”

Derek: “By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much.”

Bailey: “Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.”

Owen: “So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty.”

Meredith: “The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it.”

Arizona: “The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes.”

Callie: “And let it go when we can.”

Meredith: “The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again.”

Cristina: “And always, every time, it takes your breath away.”

Meredith: “There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.”

Alex: “Denial.”

Derek: “Anger.”

Bailey: “Bargaining.”

Lexie: “Depression.”

Richard: “Acceptance.”

When the episode was over, I knew that someday I would get to acceptance.

Finally, I am there.

All the other blog posts I wrote about myself and all the advice in the world, wasn’t going to help me. Not until I got here….acceptance.

To quote myself: “Life goes on, whether we are actively participating in it or not. I choose to participate.”

Hello life, I’m back!

Conversations:

Me: “You can have a Ginger Ale”

Adam: “why?”

Me: “Because you  were going to ask”

Adam: “how’d you know”

Me: *creepy little smile*

Adam: “Mom stop that’s scary!”

_____________________

Adam: “Mom you know what will cheer you up?”

Me: “What baby?”

Adam: “brownies!”

Me: “You want to make me brownies?”

Adam: “No, you can make me some & I’ll give you one, k?”

_____________________

Adam: “How does Santa know if you’re bad or good?”

Me: “He can see you”

Adam: “Oh wow, all the time?

Me: “Yes”

Adam: “Sorta like Jesus?”

_____________________

Adam to Elias: “Why do YOU have to be so.so.so”

Me: “Difficult?”

Adam: “YES, that’s the long word I can’t say right, Eli you’re what Mom said!”

_____________________

Adam: “Mom it’s getting chillippy in here”

Me: “huh?”

Adam: “You know chilly, but you say nippy, so I said both together. Cuz I’m smart”

Me: “ahahaha”

Elias: “You’re not smart”

Adam: “DUDE, I am TOOODAY! You didn’t come up with chill…chill..”

Elias: “See not smart, you can’t remember what you just said”

Adam: “Sooooo, I came up with it first even if I don’t remember it. SO THERE. I.AM.SMART!”

_____________________

Adam to Elias: (in a deep, dark cryptic voice) “you’re soul is mine”

_____________________

Elias to Me:  “Hey Mom, after Christmas I want you to take me to get my ear pierced.”

Me: “What!?”

_____________________

Adam to Elias: “I can’t believe cats have 4 knees, that’s awesome!”

Elias: *Rolling his eyes*

_____________________

Tried to sing Happy Birthday to Adam, he interrupted me to say, “Mom, stop being so gushy.”

_____________________

Me: “Adam why aren’t you watching TV?”

Adam: “Something happened”

Me: “What?”

Sad faced Adam: “A commercial”

_____________________

Adam: “I’m the master!”

Me: “At what?”

Adam: ” Master Cheese stick opener! I rock!”

_____________________

Just heard from the boy’s bedroom “How many Legos can you put in your pants?”

_____________________

Me: “You can’t go outside in your Bugs Bunny PJs.”

Adam: “Why? That’s how I roll”

_____________________

Adam to my nephew Jaden: “Look Jaden I can put my foot in my mouth!”

_____________________

Looking at an “Eye Spy” with Elias & Adam. I was looking for a rabbit…

Elias: “You having trouble Mom, I see it”

Me: “Just give a second, I’ll find it”

Adam: ” Mom’s not stupid, Elias!”

_____________________

Adam to Me: “Get up Mom, it’s morning O’clock in the morning!”

_____________________

Me: “Adam go get your whiffle ball, it’s under the trampoline.”

Adam: “MOM! I don’t have a nipple ball!”

_____________________

Adam to Me:  “Mom I love Strawberries! But they don’t have straws they got little seeds, where is the straw?”

_____________________

Elias to Susan: “So did your belly button talk to you today?”

Dead silence in the car and the roar of laughter..then a collective, “WHAT?!!”

_____________________

Adam to Me:  “I can’t find my XBox cord, it’s under my desk but it’s to dark and my night vision doesn’t work in the daytime!”

_____________________

Adam yelling at Elias:  “If you touch me again, I’m gonna…I’m gonna..I’m gonna do something to YOUUU & It’s gonna hurt a lot!”!

_____________________

Adam & Elias are trying to sing 12 days of Christmas along the radio. Elias just yelled, “I forgot the lizard doves, no I mean turtle..right mom turtle?”

I promised Lissa that I would do this a week ago. As you can see I haven’t…oops. Blogging hasn’t been on my list of things to do lately, only because I’ve been in a “meh” sort of mood. And like her, I haven’t done a blog meme in eleventy hundred years, ha!

Rules:

• Post these rules
• You must post 11 random things about yourself
• Answer the questions set for you in their post
• Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer
• Go to their blog and tell them you’ve tagged them
• No stuff in the tagging section about you are tagged if you are reading this. You legitimately have to tag 11 people!

11 Random Things about Me:

1. Doing laundry is one of my favorite things to do. Yes, I am a mutant. I find it calming and usually do it all in one day.

2. I’m 40yrs old & have never been married. Yes, I have a ring and we will probably get married one of these days. I’ve heard I do things bass-ackwards, so why disappoint them, heh!

3. D, proposed to me in our local newspaper.

4. I hate, yes hate peas! They are mushy, little green weapons of mass destruction. For me, they ruin any dish they are in. I pick them out one by one. I will cook them for my family. I breathe through my mouth, so I don’t have to smell them.

5. I also need to add Lima Beans to #4…BLECH!

6. I have serious trouble baking. It’s a Science and I didn’t do so hot in school with Science and it carried over. You should of seen my honey biscuits I made 2 weeks ago….Oy!

7. My favorite season is summer. I would perfectly happy moving to a place where it never gets cold. But never will, because I can’t be away from my family.

8. When D & I first started dating he composed an entire album of music for me.

9. A couple of years ago I discovered I am a romance junkie. I read a lot, in between commercials, before bed, outside and now I will read while working out. So far this year I have read 31 books.

10. I am not a blond. My hair is actually a dull, mousy brown. I’ve colored my hair for over 20yrs.

11. We have recently converted our garage into a gym. I have no excuses for not getting my workouts done.

Here are the questions I was tagged with:

• Do you lie about your weight on your driver’s license?

I used to, but not anymore! Yeah, baby!

• What is your favorite quote/saying?

It’s actually one that was spoken to me by a wonderful friend, just the other day.

“Struggling is what makes us survivors. Without struggle there would be no reason to fight…” ~Tara

• Where is the best place you’ve ever traveled?

I traveled a lot when I was younger, but as a family we don’t. Maybe in a couple of years, I’ll have a better answer. Since we live so close to the beach, it’s the best place for us.

• Do you put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher as they become dirty, or do you pile them in the sink a mile high?

I don’t have a dishwasher…sob! I hand wash dishes at least 2-3 times a day. I can’t stand dishes in the sink.

• Name your all-time favorite blog.

Oh wow, I don’t have one. I love so many. Especially my fellow fitness/weight loss and book review bloggers.

• Are you more like your mother or your father?

I am a perfect mix of both. I am patient, sensitive, compassionate and wear my heart on my sleeve like my mother. I look like my father, I have his huge heart, and his sense of humor.

• What time period in your life has been your favorite so far?

This part. These last 11yrs with D, my kids, my home and my friends. I am finally where I want to be and very happy.

• Share one of your long-term goals.

To be healthy. To continue my goal towards a healthy weight. And get through the teenage years with my 3 boys. Ha!

• And a short-term goal.

To be able to work it out, so that I can attend FitBloggin in Sept.

• Can you shoot a gun?

Yes!

• Do you consider yourself judgmental?

I really try hard not to be. I think we all are in some part. I like to know all sides to everything, before I make a judgment.

People I am tagging:

1. Erin
2. Shannan
3. Michelle
4. Elise
5. Maria
6. Penny
7. Audrey
8. Suzanne
9. Tara
10. Ann
11. April

My Questions for you:

1. Do you have a hidden special talent?
2. Is there one thing that we would be just *gasp* to know about you?
3. It’s 7am, what are you doing right now?
4. If you could do/have anything, just one thing, what would it be?
5. If I were to look in your refrigerator what would be the 1st thing I would see?
6. Are you doing exactly what you thought you would, at this time in your life?
7. If not, what did you think you would be doing?
8. A perfect day for you would be?
9. Toilet paper debate: Over or under? Why?
10. What’s one word that would describe you?
11. What is your guilty pleasure?

Make sure you come back, leave me a comment with your link

Don’t Quit

Past to Present

The land of Chalk Drawings

Family=

I love You

Girl With Attitude

Forever Always

My Grandmother

Siblings

My Sister

My Niece

Random Peek

Book Love

Merry Christmas from Heaven

Up until today, I’ve been faking my weight loss journery. I said all the right things to myself and even convinced myself that I was doing them.

I wrote this blog post back in November (Life is Hard…Food is Easy). I took the advice given and it lasted maybe 2 weeks, if that. So here I am, again.

I was talking to a friend today and I was finally completely honest with her and myself. This is what I said:

I say I’ve started, but not like before. I don’t have the drive I did before, it’s just not there. To much emotional crap in my way. I’ll get there, who knows when. I say what people want to hear from me, it’s better than the poor pitiful me posts about where I have days I can’t even get off the couch. No one wants to hear that.

I’ll always be hurting, there is no getting over that. I am not the kind of person that needs that kind of attention. And I don’t want to post about it and having people think they need to make it better, when it won’t be. It never WILL!

I just keep thinking there are more important things going on than that. I have to work this out on my own. I am the type of person who has to be there for everyone else, to make sure everyone else is ok. And plus there really isn’t anything that anyone can do.

Her response:

Life happens and being honest with yourself and how you feel is more important than scales or exercise mintutes. But it IS what it is and letting people know and support you isn’t seeking attention. It is part of the healing process. But it WILL get better. It will never be OK but it will get better.

I know you well enough to know that you probably look at that lack of will as some sort of personal failure when that is so totally not the case!

Then I told her to get out of my head..LOL! She is right. 2010 I was on fire, dropped 70lbs. 2011 sucked! I failed in 2011 and not having the will to get up and do this again is another failure. I am a great supporter and cheerleader for other people, because I’ve been there and I want them to have great success.  Why don’t I want the same for myself?

Since I have told the truth (again), I should publicly make some small goals and get help from you.

Goals

1. Water, I love water. Got to get up and fill it.
2. Smaller meals & less snacking
3. NO emotional eating, find something else to do when I am feeling the need to sit on the couch.
4. I do not have to be perky, chipper Trish all the darn time..stop faking it. Take the time I need to deal with my emotions.
5. Find someone to talk to when I need it. Stop hiding.
6. Finally 1st small weight loss goal, 10lbs.

I feel like I should apologize to everyone, but in reality it is myself that I need to say that too. As Tara & Meegan said to me in November I need, “to be kind to myself and to my heart.”

I signed up for the New Shrinking Jeans Challenge-Shrink Yourself in 2012. Our Moms group has a small weight loss/get healthy group. This is a great (re) start for me. Both places rock when it comes to encouragement & support.  There is no reason for me to do this all by myself.

It’s time to start to heal, my brother would want that for me.

Thanksgiving was going to be hard for us, so when my sister asked for a Coconut Custard Pie, there was only one thing to do….make it myself.

The hard part was trying to find the perfect, but easy recipe. Twitter is so lovely for things like this.

I tweeted that I need a tried and true recipe for coconut custard pie, within  minutes I received several replies.  I decided to go with Rubi Jayne’s recipe.

You can visit her blog (Coconut Cream Pie Recipe(s) – for @TrishB)
to see both of the recipes she posted for me.

I made the Coconut Custard Pie, and it was the most delicious pie ever. Ruby Jayne rocks!  I followed this recipe with the hands of a surgeon. Scalding milk is serious business, heh. I babied it, watched it, wrapped the crust in aluminum foil so it wouldn’t burn and waited. This is what came out of my oven:

Happy Dance!

All the love I have for my sister was in this pie. I love her more than anything in this world. If I could give just one small piece of happiness this Thanksgiving, I would have done just about anything. I am sure my brother was looking down, watching me make this pie and laughing his butt off.

There were some tears that day, but most off all there was love.

My Brother's Wife Melissa, My Sister Christina & Me

Melissa, Will & Kamryn (My Niece/Nephew). Me, Elias & Adam (My Boys)

Melissa, Christina, Mom & Me

A lot of LOVE!

Life is hard. Sometimes it’s so full of bullshit, I can hardly think, let alone stop the things that I do to myself. And let me tell you, me & my family losing my brother is over the top bullshit. This is where food is easy.

I call it grief eating.

In order to deal with this horrible pain, I’ve been eating it away. Shoving it so far down inside with all kinds of unhealthy things; I really haven’t had time to feel.

When people ask me how I am doing. I say, I’m ok. You see, I can’t really “break” down. Well that’s not true, I did have one, the day I got the call (thank you Shannan for being there). Since then, there have been none. I have always felt that since I am the oldest, I am the one who has to be strong for everyone else. There has to be at least one person who has it all together and be on their toes for what ever some one may need. Again this is an example of how food is easy. Eating gives you comfort. It never fails, it’s there anytime I need it. I don’t need anyone to be there for me, I have food.

On Sunday, I recognized what I was doing. I was just sitting on my bed, thinking about my brother, and I had 4 cookies in my hand. Cookies that I had baked, “for the kids”.  Then I began to feel ill, because I remembered the night before I ate an entire large cheese steak and order of fries.

At that moment, I knew I had to make a choice. I knew I had to reach out to someone. Someone who could relate, another weight loss journey friend. Hoping that they would have some advice on how to get back to where I needed to be.

Tara & Meegan, where right there with a response in a couple of minutes.  What they had to say gave me hope and some peace. I was given permission (not that I need it, but I did) to grieve without food.  I need to go back to the basics. Start from the beginning. Start logging my food, so I would conscientiously have to decide what to eat. And more importantly, permission to be kind to myself and to my heart.

I have to cope with my feelings and not eat them.

I am mad, and so profoundly sad that I will have to go through the rest of my life with out seeing this beautiful smile in person.

Yesterday, was a new day.

I let myself feel.

I didn’t eat excessively.

I logged my food.

I cried a lot.

Today, I stepped on the scale.

Life goes on, whether we are actively participating in it or not.

I choose to participate.

“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.” ~Kenji Miyazawa

Late Sept/Oct 2011, my brother volunteered with his company to install HVAC in the make over house. His wife also was there, tirelessly donating their time. As you know on 10/31/2011 my brother was killed in a car accident. I have made many, many phone calls and have sent countless emails to executives, producers and designers. I still haven’t heard anything. I probably won’t, but I will not give up.

My brother was very proud of the work he was able to do for the family. He even personally helped one of the designers (Paige Hemmis). The A/C in her trailer stopped working and  my brother fixed it for her. He said how nice she and appreciative she was.

We have these pictures of him & his wife from the MakeOver site and they make me smile. He was a master of his craft and the family will be warm this winter and cool next summer.

Extreme Home Make Over

Extreme Home Make Over

My Brother's Wife-Melissa & Ed-Designer

As I said before I will not give up hope that someone will return my call or email. If we aren’t able to get the dedication, we will just purchase copies when it becomes available.

I believe the episode that my brother worked on will air early December.  If any one of my readers may know of another way I could get in touch with someone, please let me know.

Oh my, Michael did you see all the people who came? Over two hundred people were packed in that tiny funeral home. They were waiting outside to get in, lined down the street! Did you hear all the wonderful stories that were told? I don’t think I have laughed that much in a long time. I am sure you loved it when Christina & I stood up and gave our tribute to you and we included the time we put you in the dryer when you were 4.

I am sitting here thinking about you.

Your son is here.  He is still sleeping.

I have spent a lot of time with your babies since last week.

Will wore his Steelers Jersey yesterday and was excited to have your friends over for the football party.  Christina took them riding on the big tractor and he was driving. Of course you know me, I panicked the whole time.

You would be happy to know your friends are going to fix that truck you have been working on. At least this one will still have a top on it. We talked about the time you had that little blue truck and you cut the top off in the middle of winter. You were proud of that and we are still going what the…..! I never did understand why you did some of the crazy stuff you did. You are one of a kind.

Melissa is giving Christina your P90X DVD’s. Which made me laugh because the last time we were together, you were so sore because you had just started it. But you hugged me anyway, you told me you loved me.

I told your wife that there was so much I wanted to say to you. You & I, we had our problems, didn’t we. I always tried to Mother you, even though you were 30.  I guess that is what big sisters are for, right? I think it was in my job description when you were born.

I never told enough how much I loved you or how proud I was of you. I know you knew, but I wish I said the words more often. I don’t have guilt or regrets of the times we were at each other, because if we didn’t love each other,  we wouldn’t have bothered.

Thirty years with you wasn’t enough. Sometimes when I go to bed, I think when I  wake up the next morning, it would all of have a dream. But it isn’t is it? You’re gone, in a much better place and now there is a huge hole in my heart.

I know our Grandparents were there to met you and now watching over you. I am doing what I do best and looking out for Mom, Dad and the rest of our family.

AND don’t you worry about your children. I won’t let them out of my sight.

Whatever they need I’ll get it.

I.PROMISE.YOU!

I love you more than words can say. I will miss you, until I see you again.

My Sister Christina, Me & My Brother Michael

One of those places is Twitloss. A group of woman that started sharing their journeys on Twitter. I followed them all on Twitter and the Twitloss blog. Just recently I was asked to be a contributing writer. To share my journey, my struggles, my victories and any advice I have for others.

Today was my first blog post over there. Oh the Places You’ll Go!

I hope you will stop by and say Hello.